I Always Play The Christmas Tree

Every Christmas since Year 3
when we do Nativity
why does every teacher see
I’m only good for playing trees

Never had a single line
Draped in crêpe to play a pine
Wound in tissue-paper twine
My painted face, a shade of slime

Loo roll angels on my head
Ping pong baubles dangle red
No one ever hears me beg
Oh can’t I play the cow instead

Now though made of sterner stuff
I’m Year 6, I’ve had enough
Got a plan, I’m really chuffed
Tonight I’ll be a cut above

Play the part I want to be
that in all Nativities
I have heard but never see
tonight that part belongs to me …

On the stage, I stand and wait
Grinning, I anticipate
How the crowd, I’ll captivate
How teachers will announce, He’s great!

Entering from stage left, they stir
Three wise men, without a word
bearing gifts of gold and myrrh
and I’m about to play the third

Shuffling to the front, I tear
loo roll angels from my hair
Throwing crêpe into the air
until at last, I’m standing there

Stitches scarred across my brow
Glaring with a green-faced scowl
Shepherds scream beneath tea towels
my bolted neck makes Mary howl

Finally I say my line:
Baby Jesus so divine
guided by a star that shines
I come here bearing Frankenstein