The Pie Tester
Listen to Jonathan reading his poem ...
I am the man who tests the pies they set before the King.
With fingers, nose, ears, tongue and eyes, I check for everything.
In order for the pie to pass, examined it must be;
I use a magnifying glass to see what I can see …
I take the pie and shake it hard, in case I hear “tick tock.”
I would not want to disregard a time bomb with a clock.
And then the golden pastry crust I sniff and give a lick;
the glaze, you see, I do not trust to be free of arsenic.
I shove my fingers in the top and squeeze the meat inside
to make sure all foul plans I stop; preventing regicide.
A pastry check I have to make, done with a hefty mallet,
to see it’s had a proper bake fit for a royal palate.
And having fully passed the test, the pie sits on a plate
inlaid with golden royal crest, as for the King we wait …
Yet every time, the funny thing, is when it’s safe to bite,
His Noble Majesty the King has lost his appetite.
Funny that ...
With fingers, nose, ears, tongue and eyes, I check for everything.
In order for the pie to pass, examined it must be;
I use a magnifying glass to see what I can see …
I take the pie and shake it hard, in case I hear “tick tock.”
I would not want to disregard a time bomb with a clock.
And then the golden pastry crust I sniff and give a lick;
the glaze, you see, I do not trust to be free of arsenic.
I shove my fingers in the top and squeeze the meat inside
to make sure all foul plans I stop; preventing regicide.
A pastry check I have to make, done with a hefty mallet,
to see it’s had a proper bake fit for a royal palate.
And having fully passed the test, the pie sits on a plate
inlaid with golden royal crest, as for the King we wait …
Yet every time, the funny thing, is when it’s safe to bite,
His Noble Majesty the King has lost his appetite.
Funny that ...
This poem is copyright (©) Jonathan Humble 2024
About the Writer
Jonathan Humble
Jonathan lives in Cumbria. His work has been published online and in print in a number of magazines and anthologies. His first collection of poetry, My Camel's Name Is Brian, was published by TMB Books in 2015. His second poetry book, Fledge came out in 2020 through Maytree Press. His poems for children have been shortlisted and highly commended in the Caterpillar and Yorkmix poetry competitions and he is the editor of The Dirigible Balloon. His poems Masterclass and This Work is Done were chosen as the Milk House Poem of the Year at the end of 2022 and 2023.
